Animus

Definition of ANIMUS

1: basic attitude or governing spirit : disposition, intention

2: a usually prejudiced and often spiteful or malevolent ill will

3: an inner masculine part of the female personality in the analytic psychology of C. G. Jung — compare anima

Examples of ANIMUS

1. She felt an animus against them.
2. <feeling no animus toward those who had wronged her>

 

 

While listening to the recap of the Supreme Court hearing on the Defense of Marriage Act, I heard Justice Kagan say this word: Animus.  It's how I feel about the biological mother of my step-children.  I hate to say "step" when describing them so I usually don't.  They are the only children I will ever have.  I need to come up with another name for her.  The Boy calls her "The Egg Donor".

 

Anyhoo...You can find more information on her here. It's been almost three years since she went to live in the Graybar Hotel, but she continues to affect the lives of our children almost daily.  Not in a good way.  Her dishonesty and selfishness have made it difficult for either of them to have relationships with other people.  One has a very hard time trusting anyone, even the most honest of people.   The other seeks relationship after relationship always looking, I think, for acceptance.

 

We spent this past weekend, as we always do, with family.  The Egg Donor always comes up.  People wait until the kids aren't around and ask me all sorts of questions about her: 

Do the kids see her? No.

Do they talk to her? No.

That's a shame.  Not really.

Does she write to them?  Only on Christmas and Birthdays.

What does she say?  Nothing of substance.  "I love you and think about you every day".  She doesn't ask how they are.  She doesn't apologize for anything. 

 

I think if I were in her situation, I would write to them every day and say everything I could to get them to see how much I love them and how much they mean to me and how sorry I am.  I wonder what she does with her days.  I wonder how much she really does think of them.  I wonder whether she will try to contact them after she gets out.  I think she will.  I know I would.

 

The Boy is actually worried about her trying to establish visitation with his children that he hasn't even had yet.  I tried to tell him she wouldn't have the money to fight for that and the fact that she was in prison and he's going to be a great father would work to his benefit if she were ever to try.  Isn't that sad? That he's thinking about how to keep her out of his children's life when he doesn't even have any yet?

 

Where I struggle is with that same desire to keep her away from our kids but to never get in the way of them having a relationship with her should they ever want to.  I want them to keep calling me "Mom", something that only started after she went away, but I don't want to do anything to keep them from getting their "real" mom back.  How could I do that to someone when I know how important my mother is to me?

 

I feel animus toward her because she makes us all think about her every day and she's not worth it.