Last night I was at the fabric store. For something fun you ask? No. For a project for the Brown Eyed Man. I love to sew, but rarely have the time as I'm always working in the Brown Eyed Man's sweatshop. Piece after piece of the same damn thing.
Anyhoo, back to my story. While checking out, I noticed that the young lady who was helping me looked as though she was beat to hell. I mean beat UP. Not on her face, but just inside the neckline of her shirt I could see horrible dark purple bruises. He arms we all bruised and scratched up too. Her face was kind of pock-marked like she has acne, but then maybe it was all meth. We've got a lot of that around here.
I spent the entire exchange looking her over and trying to decide whether to say something to this complete stranger. I saw that she had about 20 of these little scissor pins on her apron. You know, the kind of thing they hand out for awards or something? So, I think "Well, she's certainly a good employee so she's probably not a meth head".
My Mom was one of the founders of a domestic violence center on our home town. She used to go and pick up ladies and sometimes their children when they had been beaten. She would take them to a safe house. I don't know where that ever was. I knew the signs, I've seen it on other women.
All of me wanted to ask her if she was okay. All of me didn't want to embarrass her any further. I took my stuff and looked her in the eye and told her to have a good day. She didn't know what I really meant. I sat in the parking lot and thought about going back in, but how could I do that in front of her customers? What was I going to do anyway? Ask her to live with us? THAT would go over well. I thought about calling the manager to see if they were doing anything for her.
I got home and told the Brown Eyed Man and he said "Why didn't you ask her if she was in an accident?" Because I couldn't ask. I didn't want to make it any worse. I didn't want her to have to explain anything to me, a total stranger.
The Girl, when dealing with her Egg Donor, told me once that she just pretends that everything is okay so it will be. Not exactly the best way to confront a problem, but maybe for those few hours at work, that is what the girl is doing.
One of my many flaws is that I usually talk to people about anything. I ask people what they're doing. I talk to babies and kids who have been told not to talk to strangers. I say "Hey, how did you lose your arm?" to a guy with a prosthesis. I talk to dogs while their owners are right there. But I couldn't ask this girl is she was being beaten up. I couldn't say "Are you okay?" Maybe I was just the person to help her. Maybe it takes a stranger taking an interest. Ugh. Maybe I need to go back there today.
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That is such a hard situation! Wanting to help but not knowing if your help would hurt. <>
ReplyDeleteI experience the same conflict a lot of the time.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I struggle with this myself--to intervene or not intervene. I try to take a spiritual approach and think if I were meant to say or do something, I would feel an overwhelming compulsion to do so and wouldn't have second thoughts. I think you were really quite compassionate to not make her rehash things in front of a store full of people.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced that one time (though mine was a little less certain than yours). I just looked at this girl and KNEW. Don' know how, I just did. I saw her again years later, and as soon as I saw her, I just KNEW (that's how I knew it was the same girl). I didn't say anything, either. In fact, I never even thought of WHAT I could say until reading this post. Now I will HAVE to think that over.
ReplyDeleteSo, I went back. I printed out the local Women's Crisis Service information and wrote a note stating that I didn't know her situation and I didn't intend to interfere but if she needed it, there it was. I sealed it all in an envelope and was just going to hand it to her. She wasn't there.
ReplyDeleteIt's not like a NEED an excuse to go back to the fabric store, so I guess I'll try again tomorrow afternoon.
That's a tough call. I reckon you'd have got nothing from her in front of others anyway, so asking right then probably wouldn't have helped. I was going to suggest handing her a note, then I saw you already beat me to it. I hope things work out for the best.
ReplyDeleteFrom your comment above, it looks like you found a way to offer information/help without embarrassing her, being intrusive or forcing her to lie by asking an outright question. I understand how someone like that can haunt you. I hope she's there next time. Even if she doesn't act on the information (assuming you're right about her), at least she'll know someone--you--saw her clearly and cared. Sometimes that's enough.
ReplyDeleteJagoda at http://www.conflicttango.com (and fellow A-Zer)
Jagoda said this so well. I think you did what you could at the time.
ReplyDeleteHello, Jen! You sound like a kind, compassionate person. Your community is lucky to have you. I hope that woman is all right in whatever is going on.
ReplyDeleteHappy A to Z-ing! from Laura Marcella @ Wavy Lines
Wow, tough situation. I think your response (in the comment above, taking information to her) is ideal. I've had a couple of those tough choices in the military, where you want to help but you know help may not be welcome, and direct interfering may end up being more destructive than beneficial. Thank you for being willing to step out and do the right thing - too many of us would probably feel bad but do nothing.
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